


Engines

by sleeponrooftops



Series: Snow Patrol Project [9]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-31
Updated: 2011-01-31
Packaged: 2017-10-31 08:04:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,711
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/341814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleeponrooftops/pseuds/sleeponrooftops
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Tell me that you love me.”  “No,” I answer, and he smiles brilliantly before leaning forward and kissing me on the mouth, a soft, beautiful, delicate kiss.  Our first.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Engines

**Author's Note:**

> This is going to be crazy. You have been warned, :D

_You say you love me like the silence of the turning earth._ _  
You say you love me like the endless roar of modern of life.  
You say you love me like the laughter and the kissed back tears.  
You say you love me like the past the now the coming years.  
  
I know I love you like the silvered gold of dying days.  
I know I love you like an ancient history brought to life.  
I know I love you like the sunlit water on your skin.  
I know I love you like the million times I never said.  
  
I know you love me like the silence of the turning earth.  
I know you love me like the endless roar of modern of life.  
I know you love me like the laughter and the kissed back tears.  
I know you love me like the past the now the coming years._

\--

_Seventeen._

 

“You’re beautiful, you know.”

 

“The amount of times I’ve heard that,” I huff, crossing my arms and glaring steadily at him.

 

Him.  Sirius Black.  The very bane of my existence, and the very love of my life.  This boy has broken my heart more times than I can count on my toes and fingers, and I _still_ find my way back to him, every single time.

 

“Asshole,” I grumble, starting to walk away.

 

“Lils,” he tries, reaching out.

 

“No, fuck you,” I hiss, spinning on my heel and swatting his hand away, “Don’t touch me.”

 

“Lily,” he laughs, “C’mon, don’t be like this.”

 

Everytime, it’s the same exact thing.  You’d think I’d have learned by now, but no.  Of course not.

 

_Fifteen._

We were fighting something awful, Sev and I.  We were outside the Gryffindor common room, and it was very late at night, far too late for us to still be out in the halls.

 

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I hiss, putting up a hand, “I’m sick of this, Severus.  Just go to bed and sleep on it.”

 

“He’s no good, Lily,” he says, eyes narrowed as he touches my hand.

 

I pull away, something that’s a common reaction now, “I told you, I don’t like him!”

 

“I don’t like the way he looks at you.”

 

“Like you’re any different!”

 

“I love you, Lily!”

 

And then, Severus was kissing me.

 

“Oh, wonderful,” a voice grumbles just as I shove him away.

 

“How dare you!” I shriek, pushing him again.

 

“Lily,” he says in a stern voice, reaching for me.

 

“Severus, I told you to stop that!  Go back to your dorm!”

 

Sirius steps back out of the portrait hole, protectively close behind me.

 

“Shoo, Black.  This is none of your business.  Now, Lils—”

 

“ _Stop_!” I scream as he grabs my wrist.

 

“Just come with me and we can talk about this,” he demands, tugging.

 

“Severus, let go of me _right now_!”

 

“Let go of her, Snape,” Sirius orders, his tone very clear and even.

 

He steps in front of me, taking Severus’ arm in his hand.

 

“Let go, or I’ll break your arm.”

 

“As if you—”

 

He’s cut off as he screams, and he falls to the ground as I back away, horrified.

 

“Sirius!” I exclaim, mouth agape.

 

“I’ll take him to the Hospital Wing, tell them I found him like this, but you’re coming with me.”

 

I don’t say a word the whole way there.  Sirius does all the talking in the Wing, and, it’s only when we’re halfway back to the common room that I finally speak up.

 

“Thank you,” I mumble, keeping my gaze on the floor, “You didn’t have to intervene, though.  I can handle myself.”

 

“I don’t doubt that you could.  However,” and here he pauses to snake his fingers along my arm until they rest against my palm, “I can take no chances on you getting hurt.  You mean far too much to me.”

 

And then he was holding my hand, like this was the most commonplace thing in the world.

 

“Uh, Sirius,” I start, but he just tightens his grip.

 

“Say the word, and I’ll stop.”

 

And I never said a single word.

 

“Lily,” Sirius says three weeks later, at two in the morning, when I’m just packing up my things to go to bed; tomorrow is Saturday, so I don’t mind staying up so late doing homework.

 

“Sirius,” I return with a small smile.

 

We’ve been rather friendly recently, holding hands in secret and sharing smiling glances.  This time, however, he merely leans against the back of the couch, takes my chin between his index finger and his thumb, and turns my face that I’m looking him straight in his dark grey eyes.

 

“Tell me that you love me.”

 

“No,” I answer, and he smiles brilliantly before leaning forward and kissing me on the mouth, a soft, beautiful, delicate kiss.  Our first.

 

When he pulls away, my heart is beating faster than ever.

 

“What was that for?” I ask, watching him as he crosses around to the front of the couch and sits next to me.

 

“Just wanted to see what it was like, wanted to know why James’ got his knickers all in a bunch.”

 

“It was one time!” I defend, thinking back to the horrible incident of James kissing me _on accident_ , as he said later.

 

“You enjoyed it,” he laughs, shaking his head, “So, wanna hook up?”

 

“Bite me, Sirius.”

 

“Maybe I want to,” he mutters darkly as I gather my things and stand.

 

“In a few years,” I say over my shoulder before leaving.

 

Toward the end of fifth year, after plenty of late-night meetings for soft talk and even softer kisses, Sirius came up to me with a heavy sigh.

 

“So, I think we should stop this… whatever this is,” he adds almost like an afterthought.

 

“Excuse me?” I mumble, arching an eyebrow.

 

It’s the middle of the day, and he’s just plopped down next to me on the couch in the middle of the common room.  He drapes an arm around my shoulder after shrugging.

 

“Yea.  You’re kind of boring.”

 

“What?” I snap, turning and staring at him.

 

“Now, Lily, don’t cause a scene.  James is here, don’t forget.  Wouldn’t want to break his heart.”

 

“You…” I’m at a loss for words, anger bubbling hot inside of me.

 

“What do you _mean_?” I finally manage, “Has all of this meant _nothing_ to you?”

 

“Well, it was fun and all, but, y’know, now I’m kind of bored with you and, what with summer coming up, I can’t chance being tied down or you thinking I was tying myself down because, well, let’s face it, Lily, there’s a lot hotter fish in the sea.  Literally.  I’m going to the beach every day, essentially.  Maybe I’ll even break James of this spell you’ve got going.  I don’t really understand it, personally.  So.  Uh, if that’s all, I’m gonna go play some chess, or maybe just pretend to pick bugs out of Peter’s hair.  I’ll see you around, yea?”

 

And he just got up and walked away.  Typical goddamn Sirius freaking Black.  That was my first encounter with his horridness.

 

_Sixteen._

I was up late, as per usual, scribbling out the last of an essay when I heard a door slam from upstairs.

 

“Hey, come back,” Sirius’ drawling voice commands, a little too angry for him.

 

“I don’t want _anything_ to do with you!” a female voice shrieks back, and I smirk as I hear her stomp across the hallway.

 

“Sara,” he sighs, “Just.  Let’s talk about it.”

 

“Oh, what do you want to talk about?”

 

She stops, and I have to hide a laugh as I hear her palm connect with his cheek.

 

“Let go of me.”

 

I instantly stop writing, straightening.  Sirius never touches the girls he plays around with, at least not in a physically harmful way.

 

“Would you like to try this again?” he asks, far too sweet.  Something’s wrong.

 

“Let go of me, or I’ll scream.”

 

Apparently, he lets go because she comes hurrying down the stairs seconds later, throws me a hefty glare, and continues out of the common room.  A Ravenclaw.  Typical.  Sirius is not far after her, and I turn in my seat as he rages down the stairs.  His hair is wild, and his eyes are dangerous.  He kicks the armchair, falls into the couch, and sits there for a moment before letting out this god-awful screech and flipping the coffee table over.  I stand to go to stop him when he collapses on his knees, face in his hands, and _sobbing_.

 

My jaw quite nearly drops to the floor, and I’m sitting there dumbfounded for a few moments before I finally shake my head, drop my quill, and rush over to him.

 

“Sirius,” I murmur, touching his shoulder, “Sirius, is everything okay?”

 

“I fucking screwed up, Lily!” he screams at me, not looking up, “I screwed up everything!”

 

“Sirius, she’s one girl out of a few dozen.  It’s not big deal.  I’m sure you didn’t love her.”

 

“Yea, but I loved you.”

 

He looks at me this time, eyes red and lip swollen.  Blood trickles off his bottom lip where he’s bitten it, and his arms are raw with scratches of frustration.

 

“None of them are you, and I just kicked you right out of my life because I was afraid of what you were doing to me, how hard you were making me fall.”

 

“Tell me you’re lying,” I whisper, my breath quickening.

 

“I can’t.  I love you so much, Lily.  You make my head spin, my heart stop, and I feel like  I’ll never breathe right again but I’m okay with that as long as I get to see you because you take my breath away and you give it back to me and _you make me feel alive_.”

 

And then I kissed Sirius Black.

 

I can feel his shock at first, but he’s quick to get over it, and, in seconds, we’re glued together, his hands tangled deep in my hair, my hands pressed against his cheeks.  I want so much of him, and I want so badly to be with him.

 

It didn’t last.

 

“I can’t do this,” he says two months later, “I can’t.  I just can’t.”

 

He asked me outside on a chilly November night, and he’s pacing in front of me, constantly running his fingers through his hair nervously.

 

“I just can’t.  I can’t,” he repeats, and I just look down, tears already falling.

 

“Why?” I mumble, trembling.

 

“You’re so beautiful, Lily,” he sighs, lifting my chin and kissing me, “But I can’t do this.  You’re tearing me apart.”

 

“Sirius,” I cry, blinking through my tears, “Why?  Why do you keep doing this?”

 

“I love you.  I’m sorry.”

 

And he left me to cry in the cold.

 

By January, it had started again.

 

I walk downstairs one afternoon ready to head to the library to find the common room empty save for the one and only Sirius.  He’s lying on the couch, his arms draped over his face, and his breathing very soft and very slow.  However, as soon as I reach the bottom of the stairs, he peeks out and is in front of me so fast, I barely have time to react.

 

“Lily, please,” he literally _begs_ , falling to his knees in front of me, “Please, I’m so sorry.”

 

“I’m not doing this with you,” I grumble, trying to walk around him, but he just scrambles to his feet and blocks my way.

 

“Please, Lily.  I was so wrong.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I love you so much.  I’m so empty without you.”

 

“Sirius, I’m not doing this,” I say again, sternly, and push him out of the way.

 

“What can I do to convince you?  What do I have to say?” he cries as I walk toward the portrait hole.

 

“You can’t do anything.  You can’t say anything.  I can’t trust you anymore.”

 

For the next six weeks, it was the same thing.  He sent me letters, ambushed me when I was alone with well-thought out apologies and promises of love.  Finally, it was seeing him just get up and leave in the middle of Defense and hearing him scream as he walked away from the class that made me succumb.

 

I was slow to trust him, though this time was longer than any.  We stayed together well throughout the summer, and it was only in the last week of August that he finally called it off again.  I held myself together this time, simply nodding and apparating back to my house, leaving him alone in a park somewhere near London.  I didn’t care.

 

_Seventeen._

 

“You’re beautiful, you know.”

 

“The amount of times I’ve heard that,” I huff, crossing my arms and glaring steadily at him.

 

We’re not together.  We haven’t been.  It’s April, and James and I have been dating since October.  I’ve fallen fast and hard for him, _finally_ , and I’ve even grown to like Sirius, just a little, as a friend.

 

“Asshole,” I grumble, starting to walk away.

 

“Lils,” he tries, reaching out.

 

“No, fuck you,” I hiss, spinning on my heel and swatting his hand away, “Don’t touch me.”

 

“Lily,” he laughs, “C’mon, don’t be like this.”

 

“Sirius, stop.  I love James.”

 

“I’m not trying to woo you,” he promises, holding out his pinky, “I just want to talk to you.”

 

“Whatever, Sirius,” I sigh, sitting back down next to him.

 

We’re in the Quidditch Pitch, and I only went here because I knew none of the teams had practice today, and I needed a moment alone, away from the world.  Sirius was always the hardest to avoid.

 

“I really do mean it, that you’re beautiful,” he adds when I arch an eyebrow, “I think you’re one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever seen, inside and out.  You’re so special.”

 

“I thought you weren’t trying to woo me.”

 

“I wasn’t.  I just… I want you to know that I love you, and I always will.  I always have.  I think I kept screwing things up with you because I didn’t want to taint you, didn’t want to take away that beauty.  I was always afraid of hurting you, and, yet that’s all I did.”

 

“We were never supposed to be together, Sirius,” I sigh, rolling my eyes at him.

 

“You’re right.  We weren’t.  But, I’ll still always love you.  You gave me something to live for, you still give me reason to see light and to find hope.”

 

I nod, not really believing him.

 

“Lily,” he starts slowly, taking my hand, “I’m sorry.  I hope someday you forgive me.”

 

And when I look at him, all I see is the absolute sincerity and desperation for closure in his eyes.  I blink, thinking that I must be seeing something, but it’s still there, this undying want to be okay, for us to be okay.  His eyes are glassy, grey pools of sorrow.  I’ve never really looked at him before, truly wanted to see him and understand him, and, now that I try to, I always wish I had before.

 

“Are you always this sad?”

 

“That’s what James asks me a lot of the time,” he laughs, looking down, “He says that he thinks girls fall for me so easily because they see a world of anger and hurt in my eyes.”

 

“I think he’s right.  I always knew there was something there, just not what.  Look at me.”

 

He obeys, lifting his eyes to mine again, and I want so badly to know his story, to ask of the scars of his soul.

 

“You could have been so much more,” I whisper, touching his cheek, and he closes his eyes, sighing into my touch.

 

A very true and very raw smile touches his lips, and he’s the happiest I’ve ever see him.  He is truly at peace.

 

“I will have this moment,” he murmurs, putting his hand over mine, “Tell me that you love me.”

 

“I love you, Sirius,” I respond, leaning forward to kiss him, “Be happy, okay?”

 

“As long as you are.”

 

I just smile and press my lips to his forehead.

 

If only I’d known just exactly how much he needed to hear that…

**Author's Note:**

> This probably confused you as much as it confused me. I don’t really know what this was all about, but, well. Hm. I’m not sure what to say about this. Let me know what you think.


End file.
